Never ask God to teach you patience. This advice was given to me on many seperate occasions, but, being rather impatient, I kept praying for God to teach it to me. DUH Talk about learning lessons the hard way.

One good thing has come out of this constantly re-taught lesson. The more I am forced to sit and be still and wait upon the Lord, the more I am learning to trust Him. This was not what I thought I needed to work on. Of course, God sees me better than I see myself, and He knows just what areas of my being need the work.

I remember counselling one gal that when she asked for healing, God was not necessarily going to heal what she thought He would. He knew the intricities of her being, and knew far better than she did, what needed healing. Well, talk about eating my own words/practice what you preach/a lesson in verbal gravity! My very wise words have come back to me. Hopefully, I will listen and learn from them, just as the gal I counselled did.

Which leads me to wonder why, if I can come up with such wise words for others, do I tend to be a total idiot when it comes to counselling myself? While I am running here and there, all willy-nilly with no rhymn or reason, where are my calming thoughts, and God purposed words? MAN!

So, here I sit, waiting. Trying, ever so hard, to be patient and wait for God's timing. Will I be moving, once again? Will a contract open up for me right here? Will I be able to find housing if I am to move? How will I get all of my stuff packed, and who will help me, if I am to move? Once I get where I am going, who is going to help me unload from the truck? How will I afford the cost of moving? And, one million and a half other "while I am being patient" questions that keep me awake until the wee hours of the night.

Okay, so I don't have this patience thing down pat, yet. And, I must admit, that I need to work a bit harder on the trust issues, as well. Still, I am trying, and I am willing to change. That stands in my favor, I figure. Just like the alcoholic who can't really be helped until he/she recognizes that he/she has a problem. Well, I recognize that I have a problem, and am patiently waiting for God to fix it. ha ha ha

For now, I am finding that while I wait, I can at least go through my home and reduce the clutter. This should help with the volume I will have to deal with if I move, as well as making my home less stressful, and a whole lot neater.

So, until I get my marching orders, (or my staying put orders) here I am working on patience. How patient do you feel today?

Be blessed, my dear ones. Know that God loves you, just the way you are. In fact, He loves you far too much to leave you that way! ROFL

Love in Christ, Jude

Trying to survive. It has been two years since I left the farm. Still, each day starts out with wondering what my husband is doing, how he is feeling and if he is okay. "Will that ever pass," I ask myself as I start the work of surviving through the day. For more than two years, I have been in survival mode. Ever since I was told that I did not have bone cancer, and felt so very disappointed, as at that time, I just wanted it all to be over. The shock of those feelings propelled me into action. Something had to change, or I would be destroyed by the depression that was so consuming me. Still, I did not want to leave, as I dearly love my husband. Life has a way of taking control, however, and I became very ill and the choice of whether or not to stay was taken out of my hands.

That was two years ago, and I am, just now, starting to slip out of the survival mode and starting to relax a bit. It is hard to be a peace when you are running. While my life is not ideal, my finances are in the toilet, and I will even admit to being lonely, once in a while. Basically, I started to care whether I lived or died agian, and for that I am truly grateful. No more going through the motions of being happy. No more pretending to be someone I am not, just to please someone else. Not saying that being just who I am is especially pleasing, but at least it is honest.

Once more, I find myself at a bit of a cross roads. My job, which I am enjoying, is the type that depends on bidding for various contracts. The contracts which I am presently working on are soon going to be coming to an end, and there is nothing local in sight. That leaves me with a big concern, as my savings are now completely gone. Still, I try to rest in the fact that God has never let me down. When I have been in this frightening position before, He has always provided something. So, I keep watching the contract postings, and am once again, sending out my resume looking for work. The part that tempts me to despair is that now, I have absolutely nothing to fall back on, while I am searching.

I am learning how to trust God through the hardest of times, in a way that I never before had to. I am learning to wait on His timing and how to pay attention and stay in His will. Believe me, my friends, all of that is a lot easier when the hard things are taken care of. And, not very easy for a person who is basically impulsive. With the need for supply to pay my rent, bills and yes, maybe even a bit of food, it is a lot harder to be patient and remain calm.

Never again will I have the pomposity to assume that someone is weak because they don't completely trust God when things get tough. He has brought me to a position of humility and need that dispells all of my vanity. For this, I praise Him. Now, maybe I can become the woman who I dearly desire to be. The woman who has been so broken that there is nothing left of the old me, and only Jesus shines through.

Through this time, I also have found that even in my brokenness, God has used me to minister to others. It always amazes me that when I feel like I have, or am, nothing, God still finds something good there that He can use. For this, I am also very grateful. These small glimpses of Christ in me are what keeps me waking up with joy and the courage to face each day.

Be blessed, my dear ones. Never take any supply for granted. Don't be foolish with the things or people that God has placed in your life. Look upon everything as a gift from God and He will honour your rejoicing with further supply.
Love in Christ, Jude

After many minutes of hard labor, my blog-page has been fixed!
My beautiful daughter was wonderful and gracious enough to figure-out what I had done wrong and to rectify these wrongs.
She's not only gorgeous, she's intelligent.
And I love her.
I'm so glad that I have her in my life-where would I be without her? Heather, you're my hero.