Mirrors

There is a woman that I know. She and I are alike in many ways, but in other ways, we rub one another terribly. She gets into certain moods. During these moods, I am constantly made to feel like I am being bullied. Being the product of an abusive life, I don't deal with bullies very well. Usually, I try to let my sense of humour carry me through. If I don't, I know that my Irish temper will make this unruly tongue of mine say things that I will later regret.

Tonight was one of those nights when our personalities did not mesh. After only five minutes in her company, I had been insulted and made to feel lessened. The evening only got worse from there. It was one of those times when a person feels damned if they do and damned if they don't. It seemed that everything I did, as well as what others were doing was wrong in this woman's opinion.

The Spirit in me kept telling me to allow God to be my champion. My Irish temper kept telling me to sock her one and knock her down a peg or two. Thankfully, the Spirit won that mental battle. The evening ended with no one in bruises.

On the ride home, however, I was seething. You know how you go over the things you should have said, would have said, if only the opportunity and courage(or stupidity) had presented itself? Well, I played several scenario over in my mind. Most had to do with something that she said at the end of the evening, which really brought me up short.

She had addressed all present and said that she "didn't mean to" be such a bully. While she has given this backhanded apology before, the words, "I didn't mean to" just struck me with shock this time. The question popped into my mind, “what does that mean...I didn't mean to?"

Unfortunately, this is where reason left me for a moment and I turned to the fellow behind me and asked, "what does this mean; I didn't mean to? If you did it, you obviously meant to."

The unfortunate part was that the fellow I addressed with my query was the woman's husband. Talk about wanting to stuff the words back into your mouth. However, unfortunately, I could not because the space was presently being occupied by my foot.

He, graciously, just shrugged his response and smiled at me. "O Lord, Please make me a mute!" I silently prayed.

"Too late", the voice in my head told me.

Since the rest of the evening did not go any better than the first half had, I left feeling rather beat up, and the joy which I should have felt when spending an evening in the company of Christian friends, praising and worshiping in song, was nowhere to be found. What I did leave with was thoughts of giving up and quitting the group that I so dearly loved. I figured that was the only way that I could prevent myself from loosing it and giving this woman a piece of my mind.

One thought, once it came to me, though, niggled at my mind. I thought, "This woman does not handle positions of authority very well." Then I remembered myself as a boss in a Thrift Store. I was just as demanding, as set on perfection (according to my personal standard) as this woman was in her leadership role. God, once again, had set a mirror up before me.

Never, my friends, if you cherish your blissful ignorance, ask God to help you see where you have erred. Because, believe me, He will!

Now, I not only felt mortified at the revelation, I felt as if I hadn't handled the evening with the amount of grace which God expected me to.

A Double whammy! Oh, that darn mirror! It wasn't the first time that He had held it in front of my unsuspecting face. All I can tell you for sure is that each time, I have been changed for the better...sometimes quite painfully so...but most times...after a bit of prayer and work on my part...I have felt completely blessed.

There are, of course, those times when I choose to decide that the mirror is lying to me, and in my unwillingness, I decide to hold off on whatever change it was pointing out needs to be taken.

I hope that the new revelation will help me to find just a bit more grace for this woman, and will help me to remain in the activity, which means so much to me. If not, I know now how my rubber shoe tastes, maybe that might just be a deterrent to my unruly tongue.

I still am a bit bugged about the "I didn't mean to". Mostly because I realize there is no excuse for bad behaviour. In addition, an apology with an out clause is really no apology at all. Perhaps, if the woman had stopped with "I'm sorry,” I would have felt more gracious towards her—who knows. I could not help but wonder how many trillions of times I had apologized for my bad behaviour with an out clause included.

So, my dear ones, once again, I need your prayers. Only with His help, will I be able to let this new offense go as--as my father used to say--"like water off a duck.” Only through fervent prayer will I be able to learn from this mirror and become one step closer to the person He created me to be.

I will remember, when getting ticked off at someone else's bad behaviour, that I too have had my charming moments, just as they do. It is one of those log/splinter lessons.

Be blessed, my sweets, know that God loves you...and He loves me, even when I screw up big time!

The Journey

Have you ever heard someone repeat a saying, until it begins to sound like a mantra, and wonder if they are trying to convince you, or themselves? Through the years, I have repeated the words, "God's timing is perfect", in just such a fashion.(I often wear a bracelet with the word, "Kairos" on it. Which means, basically, "God's timing"). All the while, I have been working on learning patience, trust, and a deeper faith than the cursory one that predominates my life.

My daughter is getting married in December. While this occasion fills me with great joy, it also has plummeted me into a deep mourning. What I am facing is not the usual things that a mother goes through when her daughter is becoming a married lady and knowing that she will be facing many of the same married-woman struggles that you have gone through. What I am facing is that God has taken her and placed her on the other side of the world. As a married woman, she will be remaining in her new spouse's homeland for the foreseeable future. What I am experiencing is a mourning which comes with drastic change. You see, even though I know that God loves me and Heather and is in control, my humanness is selfish and wants Him to arrange things so that they are more comfortable for me. To me, that is to have my children close. Living in Northwestern Ontario, there is just no jobs on our small town for neither my chef sons, nor my heart-for-souls, Salvation Army daughter.

It was hard for me when she was in Toronto, but I at least had the freedom to hop in the car and travel there for a visit. With her new location, that freedom is beyond what I can afford, and should probably physically do.

So, I keep reminding myself that God is in control, and that His timing is perfect. Then, today, I happened on a blog by Pastor Mike Trimble entitled "The Journey".http://miketrimble.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/06/index.html He talks about change and timing. His blog reminded me of the words Philippians;
"If you've gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care-- then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don't push your way to the front; don't sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don't be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand. Think of yourselves the way Christ Jesus thought of himself. He had equal status with God but didn't think so much of himself that he had to cling to the advantages of that status no matter what." (Philippians 2:1-6 MSG)

In fact, in my desiring God to do things my way; to arrange things so that they are more comfortable for me...like having Heather on this continent so I can easily visit her...am I not pushing my way to the front? In my mourning, am I not being in disagreement with my daughter, who has whole-heartedly accepted His plan for her life; not to mention being in disagreement with Him as He has arranged things? Mostly, though, I realized that I was NOT forgetting myself, putting myself aside, nor helping anyone, most especially Heather and Jono, get ahead.

To "get ahead" we must first be in His plan. Why is it so easy to except His plan for my life, yet howl to the sky when His plan is not what I would like for my children?

After Pastor Mike talks about the journey, he hits me with his whammy, "...no matter what." he reminds me. I remembered, years ago now, when I as a mother, gave my daughter over to God's will...no matter what. Those were the exact words I used. While at the time, the no matter what was whether He allowed her to live or took her home, it was still "no matter what." Lesson: When we make a covenant with God, we have to be prepared for His "no matter what" and not one we want to set in place. Contracts with God do not have small print or hidden codicels. He takes us at our word,and with the full knowledge of our heart.

I now need to recommit to that contract, deal, agreement--whatever you want to call it. I now need to let my daughter go, once again. Through the years, I had not realized that I had been taking her back, one bit at a time. What I was doing, I am sure, is robbing her of some of the joy she should have felt in her obedience to Him. All the while, knowing how her plans upset me, dampened her verve for the work He was calling her to do. For this, I am deeply sorry. God knows that I am still a work in progress, and thankfully, He never gives up. Like the song; "Oh no, you never let go; through the calm and through the storm; Oh no, Lord, you never let go of me!"

So, my dear loved ones, this blog is a confession of yet another sin of selfishness and weakness. Thankfully, I know from where my help comes! I also know that He knew from the beginning how very painful these lessons were going to be for me, and has already covered me with His grace and forgiveness...as well as His strength and courage to overcome. Knowing how very intimately He understands me gives me a joy that erases all of the selfish hurt. I am truly blessed to have my daughter not only serving Him, but being willing to go and do whatever He demands of her. Once again, I am witnessed to by her faith walk. (I say that a lot, don't I?)

So, when life seems to move those you love to the other side of the world..either geographically or in any other way, remember that God is in control and He really does know what He is doing. I know...who am I trying to convince you? Or myself?