Teaching Creative Writing is one of my current joys. My class is small but enthusiastic. As we work through the fundamentals of the craft of writing, the basics to the art of writing, and the requirements of the business of writing, I am also becoming more enthused about this occupation which I love.
Writing is good therapy. In the research, in the lesson building, and in my own writing, I am seeing and learning so much about myself. Lessons which extend to understanding my past, the people who make up and have made up my world, and also to seeing the things which I have done wrong and right in all those areas. God is really using this love to reach me and teach me.
Through the painful years, I was in the habit of building myself up, and building up the stories and situations that I shared. The reason for this was that I always felt so insignificant and unlovable, that I felt I had to create myself into a package that others would want to have around, or would want to care about. My personal testimony was a wondrous work of creative writing.
Since this creative process began when I was very young, through the years, I have lived in this fictional world so much, that at times, I find it hard to sort out reality from the things which I have created.
When becoming a Christian, one of the things I prayed for most fervently, was that God would help me to sort it all out. I wanted to be wholly honest. For the most part, He has honoured my hard work and heartfelt plea. Still, there are times when I catch myself embellishing something to make myself look better or to build myself up into what I feel is a more attractive package.
The big difference is that almost as soon as the words are out of my mouth, He convicts me. Immediately, I have the opportunity to repent and beg forgiveness. Each time, I renew my resolve to work harder at being REAL.
There are still those people in my life who just can not see the good in me. They do nothing but tear me down and make me feel unwanted, unloved and inadequate. They don't, however, cause me to go against my steadfast resolve to be truly, and honestly myself. They only cause me to look at myself a little harder, and in doing this, I, once again, come to the realization that I am a pretty nice person. While I may not have it all together, I do have so much to offer, so much creative ability, and so much passion for God's work in this hurting world.
If those others can't or won't see me for who I am now, instead of holding to the image of who I was all those broken years ago, I have no control over that. What I am called to do is to love them, regardless of whether they love me back or not. I am not supposed to judge them, as God will be my defender. And, (and this is a big "and") I am supposed to pray good things for them. I must admit, I really fall short on the praying thing. That is another subject that I need to work on.
Doing a personal inventory, once a month or so, keeps me on track. I have a list of things that I don't like about myself, things that I do like, areas where I feel that I have let God down, and areas where I feel that I have won a victory. Then there are things that I long to achieve as I serve Him, and things that I desire in my personal life (like mending my marriage and to have my husband, sons and siblings be saved). And last but not least, there is an ever growing list of recognized blessings.
It is very hard to be 100% honest, and there are times when guarding ones tongue takes precedence over lying to please others. Still, I know that if can't be honest with God, if I can't be honest with myself, and with those around me. He has provided a occupation for my active imagination in the field of creative writing. Another grace He so richly blesses me with. So, keeping fact from fiction is getting easier and easier. When there is a fictional need that longs to be filled, I put it in my writing. My characters can be all those things that I have longed to be and that I have longed my life to be. I can live those things through them, and leave the real world to those of us who are breathing.
All of the pain, hurt, anger, and resentment emotions can also be dealt with in this medium. My characters work through those emotions giving me a healthy way to work through them, myself. In my writing world, my characters can have resolutions to life issues that I was so powerlessly entrapped in. I can deal with the past in a very healthy way--pouring my soul on the page. I know that my writing will help someone else know that they are not alone. That someone, somewhere understand how they are feeling. Also, that as I have grown past and through these things, so can they.
One of the helps in this growing process has been working through Dr. David Jeremiah's "Facing the Giants In Your Life" study. It helped me deal with those giant issues that were destroying me such as: fear, loneliness, guilt, discouragement, worry, temptation, anger, doubt, failure, resentment, jealousy, and procrastination. That last one was a biggie. Because of my fear of failure, I would procrastinate. Unfortunately what happened was that I was letting people down. I had become undependable and the poor opinion that went along with that hurt and re-enforced my feelings of inadequacy.
First, I had to learn how to recognize the giants in my life. Then I had to learn how they effected me. When I had my eyes wide open and was being honest about these issues, then it was time to learn how to concour them.
What are the giants in your life? What area are you practising creative writing in? Remember, you can't create a character that will please God more than the one you already are. He loves you, just like that. Besides, He is all knowing, so who do you think you are fooling?
Life is not a paperback novel. There are no rewrites. So, be as honest about yourself and your life, as you can. Once you get honest, life fills up with joy unimaginable.
God loves you--just the way you are; and so do I!
Be blessed, Jude
