Both my friend, Laurie, and I have had our daughters married in the past few months. We both share, with amusement, some of the transitional issues that newly married folk have to work through. All the while, we are going back in time to the place where we were faced with these same transitional struggles.
Laurie's daughter has to deal with being an instant step-mom, as well as stepping into a home that has functioned till now, without her input. She is struggling, not only to find her place in this already established family, but to have her preferences and desires paid attention to. She feels, a good deal of the time, like someone who has been hired as a live-in maid. Her new husband, goes through his day, as he always has, and often pays her the same amount of attention that he pays his children. Not that he at all is a slacker in that, but as a new wife, Laurie's daughter needs to feel loved, appreciated, and longs for that glow she had while dating her dashing new husband.
Instead of feeling like she is a new bride, she feels like a dependable vaccuum cleaner--there to clean up after everyone, and appreciated only when she gets the job done to everyone's satisfaction.
A big issue is meal time. The family is used to meals that are prepared a certain way--the way their mom used to prepare them. Laurie's daughter, unfortunately, did not grow up with this sainted woman, and has no idea how she used to prepare their meals. All she knows is how her own mom prepared them. The fact that Laurie's daughter is an excellent cook, who takes the health of her new family very seriously in the meal planning process, has absolutely nothing to do with it all. The kids like the things the way they were, and Laurie's daughter's attempts to provide delicious and nutritious meals only seem to aggrivate them.
All Laurie could advise was for her daughter to get the children to show her how they like things, and to slowly, one recipe at a time, move them into her personal cooking style. Slow and easy is always the best process for such drastic change.
My daughter's transition has been much easier, as she and her new husband had worked together very closely on a mission's team. They had lived in a mission house, with their team, and have learned a lot of personal preferences about one another that most do not have to deal with until they are married. Then, when the knight in shining armor leaves his dirty socks on the floor of the bedroom, the crash from his pedistal is so audible that it rocks four adjoining states. She is, however, having a struggle that every single newly married person faces, to some degree or other.
Heather is an extrememly light sleeper, and has never had to share a bed with anyone more than a night or two. Now, with her new husband, she is finding that she can not get the solid sleep that her body desperately needs. She is the type that actually gets ill, if she suffers from lack of rest.
Now, those of us who have gone through that struggle for personal space, can relate, I know. Telling her that it will get easier, does nothing to aleviate her stress over it all, right now. The situation is made worse, I think, because they have a second bedroom where she can escape to. While this allows her to get the much needed rest, it will only make the transition take that much longer. It is like pulling off a bandade. If you put off pulling it off, in only gets harder to do, and actually causes more harm. Because I know this is really a painful issue for her, I have polled my friends on what the hardest thing was that they had to deal with when they first were married. They were more than willing to share some of their horror stories, and some of their--often humourous--solutions.
What did surprise me, though, was to find out that this sharing a bed with another person was one of the most painful and upsetting of the transitional issues. The wife carries a feeling like she is, in some way, failing as a "good" wife. The husband carries a feeling that he is somehow failing in providing for his new wife.
It is obviously not an issue to take lightly. Since I really did not come up with any answers for my daughter other than the one I gave her previously, I may do more research on the subject of newly married transitional issues. The writer in me wants to do the research and dig until I come up with a better answer for my daughter.
This activity will also keep me so busy that I won't be interfering in the transitional period beyond what God ordains. It is a win/win situation.
If you have any "newly married" stories that you would like to share, contact me through my website: www.awriterstoolbox.com
Through this sharing, maybe we can bring at least a smile to our newly married daughter's faces. We will also come to realize that we were not as alone in these struggles as we at first thought.
Be blessed, dear ones. Know that God loves you, and so do I
Jude
