Mirrors

There is a woman that I know. She and I are alike in many ways, but in other ways, we rub one another terribly. She gets into certain moods. During these moods, I am constantly made to feel like I am being bullied. Being the product of an abusive life, I don't deal with bullies very well. Usually, I try to let my sense of humour carry me through. If I don't, I know that my Irish temper will make this unruly tongue of mine say things that I will later regret.

Tonight was one of those nights when our personalities did not mesh. After only five minutes in her company, I had been insulted and made to feel lessened. The evening only got worse from there. It was one of those times when a person feels damned if they do and damned if they don't. It seemed that everything I did, as well as what others were doing was wrong in this woman's opinion.

The Spirit in me kept telling me to allow God to be my champion. My Irish temper kept telling me to sock her one and knock her down a peg or two. Thankfully, the Spirit won that mental battle. The evening ended with no one in bruises.

On the ride home, however, I was seething. You know how you go over the things you should have said, would have said, if only the opportunity and courage(or stupidity) had presented itself? Well, I played several scenario over in my mind. Most had to do with something that she said at the end of the evening, which really brought me up short.

She had addressed all present and said that she "didn't mean to" be such a bully. While she has given this backhanded apology before, the words, "I didn't mean to" just struck me with shock this time. The question popped into my mind, “what does that mean...I didn't mean to?"

Unfortunately, this is where reason left me for a moment and I turned to the fellow behind me and asked, "what does this mean; I didn't mean to? If you did it, you obviously meant to."

The unfortunate part was that the fellow I addressed with my query was the woman's husband. Talk about wanting to stuff the words back into your mouth. However, unfortunately, I could not because the space was presently being occupied by my foot.

He, graciously, just shrugged his response and smiled at me. "O Lord, Please make me a mute!" I silently prayed.

"Too late", the voice in my head told me.

Since the rest of the evening did not go any better than the first half had, I left feeling rather beat up, and the joy which I should have felt when spending an evening in the company of Christian friends, praising and worshiping in song, was nowhere to be found. What I did leave with was thoughts of giving up and quitting the group that I so dearly loved. I figured that was the only way that I could prevent myself from loosing it and giving this woman a piece of my mind.

One thought, once it came to me, though, niggled at my mind. I thought, "This woman does not handle positions of authority very well." Then I remembered myself as a boss in a Thrift Store. I was just as demanding, as set on perfection (according to my personal standard) as this woman was in her leadership role. God, once again, had set a mirror up before me.

Never, my friends, if you cherish your blissful ignorance, ask God to help you see where you have erred. Because, believe me, He will!

Now, I not only felt mortified at the revelation, I felt as if I hadn't handled the evening with the amount of grace which God expected me to.

A Double whammy! Oh, that darn mirror! It wasn't the first time that He had held it in front of my unsuspecting face. All I can tell you for sure is that each time, I have been changed for the better...sometimes quite painfully so...but most times...after a bit of prayer and work on my part...I have felt completely blessed.

There are, of course, those times when I choose to decide that the mirror is lying to me, and in my unwillingness, I decide to hold off on whatever change it was pointing out needs to be taken.

I hope that the new revelation will help me to find just a bit more grace for this woman, and will help me to remain in the activity, which means so much to me. If not, I know now how my rubber shoe tastes, maybe that might just be a deterrent to my unruly tongue.

I still am a bit bugged about the "I didn't mean to". Mostly because I realize there is no excuse for bad behaviour. In addition, an apology with an out clause is really no apology at all. Perhaps, if the woman had stopped with "I'm sorry,” I would have felt more gracious towards her—who knows. I could not help but wonder how many trillions of times I had apologized for my bad behaviour with an out clause included.

So, my dear ones, once again, I need your prayers. Only with His help, will I be able to let this new offense go as--as my father used to say--"like water off a duck.” Only through fervent prayer will I be able to learn from this mirror and become one step closer to the person He created me to be.

I will remember, when getting ticked off at someone else's bad behaviour, that I too have had my charming moments, just as they do. It is one of those log/splinter lessons.

Be blessed, my sweets, know that God loves you...and He loves me, even when I screw up big time!