As a child, youth and young adult, it seemed like my life went forward with no direction--mostly misdirection, actually. Being an adventurer and rebel, there was very little which would be called common in the choices which I made, the people I associated with, nor the places I lived, worked and played. I was a free spirit. My favorite song, through much of this time, was "I Am A Rock", by Simon and Garfunkel. It described my aloneness and stubborn will to survive. "And a rock feels no pain, and an island never cries."

During this time, I was free to be as frightened as I needed to be. I was free to be as lonely as I designed things to make myself. I was free to indulge in as much self-righteous anger as I could drum up. After all, I was the middle child of seven children and had been raised in a verbally abusive environment. These were my excuses for running away at the ripe old age of fifteen; for living a life that bounced between the freedom of the hippie world and the structure and relative protection of the biker world. In the circles of which I travelled, I was respected and, for the most part, left alone. Still, even in those times, I could see how other's hurt behind the angery facades. Many times, I would approach someone, even after being warned not to, only to find out that they really were grateful that I had been able to see past their "act." None of us, in those environments, were living in the "real world." We all changed our costumes like chameleons, to suit the present surroundings. Like chameleon, we were in reality, seldom what we seemed to be.

Now, as I enter my fifties, I can see the patterns which were played out in my life. More than that, though, I can now see how God was present and active through all of those lost years. His grace and mercy is visible like a scarlett thread, the blood of Christ flowed over me and protected me, guided and directed my path, if not always my footsteps. He would gently lead me to a place where I could make a choice to turn things around for a better life, but still lost in my fear, loneliness and anger, I did not realize that those occasions where His reaching out the hand of grace and love. Only now, in retrospect, do I truly appreciate all that He had been so busy working on for my salvation.

Through those lost years, there were angels in the strangest places, who would appear in my life to hold up a mirror to me, so that I could see myself through painfully honest eyes. There were angels who would appear to lift me out of a potentially fatally, or in the least, fatally destructive situation. They would come into my life, work their miracles, then slip out, barely noticed.
One such person was then a vice-president of one of the most notorious biker gangs in our city. We had a brief casual relationship, but from those few weeks, we were both completely and forever changed.
He spoke to me of his growing faith. He felt God calling his name. A good lesson that God calls us right where we are and who we are. This fellow, because of his choices of companions, really had no one around him who would understand, never less care to listen. They would probably think he was nuts. At the same time, I felt God calling me to stop indulging in my emotional quagmire and make some radical changes in my life. We spent hours talking. Actually, we did little else. Neither of us was really interested in any physical intimacy, what we longed for was a much deeper need.

Today, this fellow is a minister, and I am a Soldier in The Salvation Army. I can't speak for him, but I know that God is definately using me. Even the past lost years. He continues to use me to reach others who are feeling just the same as I did all those years ago. My understanding of their situation is not from some book I was told to read, but from living the same paralysing fear, anger so intense that you loose the ability to breath and suicidal loneliness that they are going through. Because of this, I am so grateful for the things which are my past. They now are tools in my ministry tool box. I don't just empathize with those emotions, I have walked the mile in those very shoes. Now, I count it all joy.

It is my fervent prayer that God continues to use me in winding the scarlet thread of His grace, mercy and love in other people's lives.

Be Blessed, Jude